My New Found Obsession

I’m taking back control.  I don’t mean that I have this great desire to make sure everything is ship shape and line up exactly in my life but I’m going to control it.

Often in the process becoming an Episcopal priest, I have felt like I have no control of anything in my life. I must fulfill the expectations of the Seminary, the Diocese, and the National Church and not all of these expectations line up. It is a challenge to figure out who gets priority when the calendars don’t match up and now I have to add an individual parish’s calendar to the other three. Plus as all wives and mothers know there is the family calendar, the husband calendar and the preschool calendar to navigate also.

I know that in many ways I’m preaching to the choir because we all have to navigate who gets our time. It’s not a problem but a challenge and an opportunity for me and my husband to work this out. Every couple does this and every professional is responsible to more than one boss at some point in their careers. In addition, toddler can’t read the calendar so they are often on an entirely different schedule than the rest of the universe.

The problem for me is I felt my time with God has been overcome by these other calendars and expectations. For some people this may not seem like a big deal but I’m studying to be a priest and how can I lead other to discover God in their own lives when I feel like I haven’t spend much time with God myself.

So I’m taking back control . . .

I created a Rule of Life Log. Now, you have to know that things are bad when I need a chart, list or schedule for myself. I don’t like them, in fact I only write lists when things feel out of control and crazy.

A Rule of Life is meant to order your spiritual practices so that you can have an honest relationship with God and I wasn’t sure how I was participating. Yikes!

I wanted to be sure that I hit on the following areas every day: Daily Prayer, Scripture Reading, Spiritual Writings, Worship (Corporate) and Quiet Time. Some are easier than others but the most important thing is to recognize when it is happening.

It’s not that I haven’t been doing these things often it’s just that I can’t remember doing them and I think that’s a problem. Before we had a child, my husband and I had a pretty set routine so that we could both get what we needed during the day. This meant that early in the morning I would have a time to read scripture, pray and just be quiet in God’s presence.

Being Quiet in the Presence of God is not on the toddler’s agenda. Apparently, BB didn’t get the memo and he is a morning person like his Mommy. Don’t get me wrong BB is great a reminding me to be joyful in the presence of God. We sing praise song, we dance and we laugh just because it’s a new day but quiet did not make the short list of morning activities. So I found myself desperate to find a place and a time to carry out my Rule of Life. This was not the easiest task and I’m afraid that I failed miserably. 

The purpose of having a Rule of Life is to weave your faith and spiritual practice into your daily life so that you are able to recognize God’s presence at any moment. It’s about craving out a space to just be with God so that you know that God is walking this journey called life with you. It only works if you do it and if you can remember doing it, hence my little log.

The funny thing is that as I have been filling in the log I discovered that I had begun to carve out those moments in the day with more intentionality than before. I have never stopped praying but now I am marking some of those moments by what type of prayers I find myself saying. I have attended some form of corporate worship almost every day during seminary but now I am seeking out those services that will mean the most to me. I have made a decision to read the Bible again straight through. (I know Thomas Cranmer is proud.) Spiritual Writing is my fun category because either I read other people’s writings or I write on my own.

Mostly I have fallen back in love with God through our daily date. (It is ironic that this has happened because I have fallen back in love with my husband again and again because of a date night.) It is during these quiet moments that I have been able to be totally and completely free with God because I can focus on God alone and not have to worry about the dishes, the groceries or my next paper.

I have also found because I am “forcing” myself to make time for these moments with God that I have more time for everything else. It is a right ordering that is allowing me freedom.  

My need to control things has set me free so that I don’t have to be in control and I can relax and just be the person God created me to be.

My prayer today is that I remember this and that this new found freedom seeps over into the rest of my life so other can see the true me again.